By Hollis James



CINDERELLA MAN

Ron Howard’s new crime?
This time Seabiscuit boxes!
Opie must be stopped!


DIRTY

Guns? Gangs? Violence?
Sounds cool! Wait—Cuba Gooding?
He’s the mark of crap.


THE DA VINCI CODE

Hanks-Howard hokum.
The Mona Lisa is art.
This movie is not.


HOSTEL

Here’s a no-brainer.
Backpack in Europe, post-Bush,
Chances are you’ll die.


SUPERMAN RETURNS

Superman’s pretty.
Kevin Spacey as Luthor?
Is this a gay film?


THE BENCHWARMERS

I liked it better
When this film was called Dodgeball.
That film was funny.


THE NOTORIOUS BETTIE PAGE

To make Gretchen Mol
The hottest pin-up ever
Took tons of padding.


MADEA’S FAMILY REUNION

I wish Madea
Was instead named Medea,
Then this cast would die.


DATE MOVIE

Studio execs:
Let’s just call it what it is.
Dreck? No, Date Movie!


BIG MOMMA’S HOUSE 2

People love sequels.
Some suck, but some are this bad.
People are morons.


HARRY POTTER & THE GOBLET OF FIRE

It must be magic!
How else could the producers
Keep acne at bay?



KING KONG

Hollywood’s shameless.
They’ll cast anything to make
Brody’s nose look small.



MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA

A child in make up
Is either a Geisha’s maid
Or bitchin’ KISS fan!



CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 2

There’s a new disease.
It’s called “Steve Martin Syndrome.”
It makes you a whore.



CAPOTE

Mincing through Kansas
Can make you legendary…
And alcoholic.



JARHEAD

Jake seems retarded.
He’d make a better “Jughead.”
Archie: Matt Damon?



GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN’

Where I’m from, that guy—
Wearing the bullet proof vest—
He’s the real pussy.



FUN WITH DICK & JANE

I should miss him.
Jim Carrey’s been gone a while.
Why do I hate him?


WALK THE LINE

Joaquin plays guitar!
That’s even him singing! Wait…
Cash had a hair lip?


SAW 2

This film can’t fool me.
I learned after the first one.
I’ve got diapers on.


TRANSPORTER 2

Hey, what’s so funny?
You know I love action flicks.
Besides, Doom sold out.


THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE

Give me a damn break!
This flick ain’t The Exorcist.
Oh, my god, MOMMY!


LAST DAYS

This isn’t Cobain!
Oh, it is? No, wait—it’s not!
Who is this fucker?


GRIZZLY MAN

Hippies do mean well.
But a grizzly ain't a bong.
Confuse them, you die.


THE CORPSE BRIDE

Tim won't dumb it down.
Nightmare Before Christmas rocked!
No one will get this.


THE BROTHERS GRIMM

You think this film sucks?
Could be. But, you do get Matt
Without Bennifer


DOWNFALL

Hitler hated Jews.
Eva Braun was on his dick.
Why film this again?


THE PINK PANTHER

Peter Sellers died.
But can he be truly dead…
Spinning in his grave?



THE LEGEND OF ZORRO

Antonio’s Back
Catherine Too. Feel nervous
Michael? Melanie?


SHOP GIRL

Steve Martin: Comic.
He enjoys writing, which proves
That he’s no writer.


AEON FLUX

Video games rule!
Charlize dyed her hair for this!
Who’s her dumb agent?


THE MAN

Badass Sam Jackson
Teamed with another white man?
Call Sam’s hair stylist.


THE DUKES OF HAZZARD

The South shall not rise.
Not again, but just maybe,
Jessica can act?


DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO

Rob Schneider's films blow.
Think Eddie Griffin can help?
Surprise! This sucks too.


KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

Orlando Bloom tries.
But, I mean, he's no Culkin;
Nor a Heath Ledger.


STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH

Action figures? Check!
Lunch boxes? Check! Posters? Check!
Wait! Shit! There's no script.


INDIANA JONES 4

One man can search years.
He can ride horses, crack whips
He's still Han Solo.


KICKING AND SCREAMING

Take no laughs or plot
Add Will Ferrell; stir to taste.
Straight to video?


MONSTER-IN-LAW

J-Lo cannot count.
Fifteen minutes was enough
For her and her ass.


MR. AND MRS. SMITH

Brad Pitt's sure dreamy.
Angelina Jolie's hot.
Man, this movie sucks.


CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

Johnny Depp's the man!
Tim Burton is weirdness squared.
Children terrified.


THE HONEYMOONERS

A busload of crap.
Cedric the Entertainer
Is grossly misnamed.


FANTASTIC FOUR

Give me Jessica.
You can shove the three others
Right up your geek ass.


HERBIE: FULLY LOADED

The posters don't lie.
Herbie is fully loaded,
But not Lindsay's chest.


WEDDING CRASHERS

This just in, film fans:
Every single movie
Now includes Vince Vaughn


WAR OF THE WORLDS

If talent were height,
Dakota Fanning would dwarf
Tom Cruise and his nose.


BATMAN BEGINS

What do you get when
Batman meets the Machinist?
Guano on a stick.